In between a bootleg viewing of The King’s Speech and re-runs of “Gossip Girl” (supplemented by commercial breaks of “Chelsea Lately”), I was confronted by two life-altering questions:
2. Whom would I invite to my “Dead or Alive” dinner party à la “Gossip Girl” circa 2008?
While I have no idea where I would fall on New York Magazine’s “Approval Matrix,” I was able to come up with a (apologies in advance for the bad pun) killer list for my “Dead or Alive” dinner party.
Even though the fictional, oral essay question at Yale University (which, let’s be real, was taped at Columbia) calls for only one significant member of society, that certainly is not the party sponsored by Belvedere Vodka and cooked by The Barefoot Contessa that I’ve been surreptitiously creating invites for since the 127 Hours-ian torture of filling out my own college applications.
It’s a VIP event, so we’d obviously need to bring an A-List PR team equipped with Fashion GPS compatible iPads. I’m thinking the lovable, yet completely terrifying, Kelly Cutrone, Snooki, and Bon Qui Qui. While the Snook and her bump-it do not have any traditional PR experience between the two of them, I can say with complete certainty that Snooki would not soberly let in any Tareq and Michaele Salahi-style crashers (unless of course the crasher at hand happens to be Tareq and Michaele Salahi, Owen Wilson or Vince Vaughn, in which case they can have a seat at the bar). For those who try to crash, Snooki would, of course, wrestle them into a headlock position before spraying the culprits with hairspray à la Naomi Clark in 90210. This would be code for her intern and YouTube.com sensation, Bon Qui Qui, to step in and yell out for sa-cur-ity. In the event that Snooki and her 4’9” self are unable to handle check-in and security duties on their own, there would be a back up team of bouncers including The Situation, Lamar Odom, and Khloe Kardashian.
The official guest list consists of the following:
Eye Candy
- Chase Crawford
- Cory Monteith
- Ed Westwick
- Jake Gyllenhaal (Only if Taylor Swift sends her regrets)
- Kellen Lutz
- Penn Badgley
- Teenage Anderson Cooper (Preferably before he knew that he liked guys)
The Fashion A-Listers
- Alexandra Wilkis Wilson of Gilt Groupe
- Alexis Maybank of Gilt Groupe
- Anna Wintour of Vogue and her three assistants
- Audrey Hepburn
- Bill Cunningham (He could also sit in the Eye Candy section, because he’s adorable.)
- Brad Goreski and his mom, because I follow her on Twitter
- Carine Roitfeld formerly of French Vogue
- Christian Louboutin
- Coco Chanel
- David Huey of Bergdorf Goodman
- Diana Vreeland of Vogue
- Erin Fetherston
- Eric Damon of “Gossip Girl”
- Grace Coddington of Vogue
- Jane Aldridge of Sea of Shoes (and whatever name she has on her fake ID)
- Jane Birkin
- Jenna Lyons of J. Crew
- Jessica Sailer of Vogue
- Joe Zee of ELLE
- Karl Lagerfeld of Chanel
- Kate Ciepluch of ShopBop.com
- Kate Lanphear of ELLE
- Kevin Ryan of Gilt Groupe
- Leandra Medine of The Man Repeller (Leandra can also choose to be seated in the funny section if she pleases, because her blog is awesome.)
- Leighton Meester
- Linda Fargo of Bergdorf Goodman
- Mary Kate Steinmiller of Teen Vogue
- Meredith Melling Burke of Vogue
- Rachel Zoe and Rodger
- Raphael Young
- The Olsen Twins
The Fun(ny) People
- Andy Samberg
- Chelsea Handler
- Diablo Cody
- Emma Stone
- Jennifer Aniston
- Taylor Swift
Note: I would want to sit in this section next to Patricia Masters, the deceased psychic. Though Patricia is not funny at all, I think she would be a good person to add to the mix, being that smart ass questions such as “Can a psychic predict when she/he is going to die?” and 2012 inquiries could probably land Chelsea material for the next 5-6 weeks. Or until the next episode of “Kourtney and Kim Take New York.”
Though each person listed above is much more intelligent than a few of our previous presidents, particularly good ol’ George W. of the Gentleman’s C Society, to up the intellectual ante (and perhaps aim for a higher placement on the “Approval Matrix”), the guest list would also include a Guest of a Guest photographer for documentation purposes and:
- Oprah (All of "Oprah’s Ultimate Favorite Things” would be part of the goody bag.)
- Malcolm Gladwell
- Michelle Obama (MoBama may also sit next to Anna, if she wishes.)
- Paul Kangas of The Nightly Business Report (He’s almost as cute as Bill Cunningham, so he can opt for the Eye Candy section, too.)
- President Barack Obama
Alternates:
- Blake Lively—As the new face of Chanel AND muse to Louboutin, I’m just too jealous of her to put Blake (yes, first name basis) in Tier 1.
- Tucker Max—He’s horrible human being, but let’s face it… The guy can party.
The Kids’ Table (A.K.A. People to Suck Up to From a Young Age)
- Bo Obama
- Chuy
- Eloise Honor Burke (Meredith Melling Burke’s adorable daughter)
- Justin Beiber
- Malia Obama
- Sasha Obama
- Suri Cruise
- Ross “The Intern” Matthews
- Tavi
Note: All guests listed above are more mature than I am, particularly grey-haired Tavi, so placement at the kids’ table can, and perhaps should, be negotiated.
The meal would be held in the Hamptons one summer evening, so Ina Garten could prepare the delectable feast. As her husband, Jeffrey, is in every episode of “The Barefoot Contessa,” he would be given a seat at the dinner table as well (perhaps I should consider inviting Gael Greene to keep him company, but I would never want to do anything to make Ina jealous).
Basically, it would be awesome until Snooki had one too many shots of Belvedere and let Pauly D and Sammi Sweetheart into the fiesta as homage to that Lauren/pre-plastic Heidi debacle on “The Hills.” At that point, all hell would break loose, someone would tip off Perez, and suddenly there would be an Us Weekly cover in the making. This would permanently solidify me on the “Lowbrow” section of the “Approval Matrix,” but perhaps I could aspire to fall somewhere in the middle, straddling the line between “Despicable” and “Brilliant.”
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