My Dead or Alive Dinner Party: You Probably Were Not Invited

In between a bootleg viewing of The King’s Speech and re-runs of “Gossip Girl” (supplemented by commercial breaks of “Chelsea Lately”), I was confronted by two life-altering questions:

1.              Where would my highbrow/lowbrow taste and I fall on New York Magazine’s “Approval  Matrix”?

2.              Whom would I invite to my “Dead or Alive” dinner party à la “Gossip Girl” circa 2008?

While I have no idea where I would fall on New York Magazine’s “Approval Matrix,” I was able to come up with a (apologies in advance for the bad pun) killer list for my “Dead or Alive” dinner party. 

Even though the fictional, oral essay question at Yale University (which, let’s be real, was taped at Columbia) calls for only one significant member of society, that certainly is not the party sponsored by Belvedere Vodka and cooked by The Barefoot Contessa that I’ve been surreptitiously creating invites for since the 127 Hours-ian torture of filling out my own college applications.

It’s a VIP event, so we’d obviously need to bring an A-List PR team equipped with Fashion GPS compatible iPads.  I’m thinking the lovable, yet completely terrifying, Kelly Cutrone, Snooki, and Bon Qui Qui.  While the Snook and her bump-it do not have any traditional PR experience between the two of them, I can say with complete certainty that Snooki would not soberly let in any Tareq and Michaele Salahi-style crashers (unless of course the crasher at hand happens to be Tareq and Michaele Salahi, Owen Wilson or Vince Vaughn, in which case they can have a seat at the bar).  For those who try to crash, Snooki would, of course, wrestle them into a headlock position before spraying the culprits with hairspray à la Naomi Clark in 90210.  This would be code for her intern and YouTube.com sensation, Bon Qui Qui, to step in and yell out for sa-cur-ity.   In the event that Snooki and her 4’9” self are unable to handle check-in and security duties on their own, there would be a back up team of bouncers including The Situation, Lamar Odom, and Khloe Kardashian.

The official guest list consists of the following:

Eye Candy

• Chase Crawford
• Cory Monteith
• Ed Westwick
• Jake Gyllenhaal (Only if Taylor Swift sends her regrets)
• Kellen Lutz
• Penn Badgley
• Teenage Anderson Cooper (Preferably before he knew that he liked guys)

The Fashion A-Listers

• Alexandra Wilkis Wilson of Gilt Groupe
• Alexis Maybank of Gilt Groupe
• Anna Wintour of Vogue and her three assistants
• Audrey Hepburn
• Bill Cunningham (He could also sit in the Eye Candy section, because he’s adorable.)
• Brad Goreski and his mom, because I follow her on Twitter
• Carine Roitfeld formerly of French Vogue
• Christian Louboutin
• Coco Chanel
• David Huey of Bergdorf Goodman
• Diana Vreeland of Vogue
• Erin Fetherston
• Eric Damon of “Gossip Girl”
• Grace Coddington of Vogue
• Jane Aldridge of Sea of Shoes (and whatever name she has on her fake ID)
• Jane Birkin
• Jenna Lyons of J. Crew
• Jessica Sailer of Vogue
• Joe Zee of ELLE
• Karl Lagerfeld of Chanel
• Kate Ciepluch of ShopBop.com
• Kate Lanphear of ELLE
• Kevin Ryan of Gilt Groupe
• Leandra Medine of The Man Repeller (Leandra can also choose to be seated in the funny section if she pleases, because her blog is awesome.)
• Leighton Meester
• Linda Fargo of Bergdorf Goodman
• Mary Kate Steinmiller of Teen Vogue
• Meredith Melling Burke of Vogue
• Rachel Zoe and Rodger
• Raphael Young
• The Olsen Twins

The Fun(ny) People

• Andy Samberg
• Chelsea Handler
• Diablo Cody
• Emma Stone
• Jennifer Aniston
• Taylor Swift

Note:  I would want to sit in this section next to Patricia Masters, the deceased psychic.  Though Patricia is not funny at all, I think she would be a good person to add to the mix, being that smart ass questions such as “Can a psychic predict when she/he is going to die?” and 2012 inquiries could probably land Chelsea material for the next 5-6 weeks.  Or until the next episode of “Kourtney and Kim Take New York.”

Though each person listed above is much more intelligent than a few of our previous presidents, particularly good ol’ George W. of the Gentleman’s C Society, to up the intellectual ante (and perhaps aim for a higher placement on the “Approval Matrix”), the guest list would also include a Guest of a Guest photographer for documentation purposes and:

• Oprah (All of "Oprah’s Ultimate Favorite Things” would be part of the goody bag.)
• Malcolm Gladwell
• Michelle Obama (MoBama may also sit next to Anna, if she wishes.)
• Paul Kangas of The Nightly Business Report (He’s almost as cute as Bill Cunningham, so he can opt for the Eye Candy section, too.)
• President Barack Obama

Alternates: 

• Blake Lively—As the new face of Chanel AND muse to Louboutin, I’m just too jealous of her to put Blake (yes, first name basis) in Tier 1.
• Tucker Max—He’s horrible human being, but let’s face it… The guy can party.

The Kids’ Table (A.K.A. People to Suck Up to From a Young Age)

• Bo Obama
• Chuy
• Eloise Honor Burke (Meredith Melling Burke’s adorable daughter)
• Justin Beiber
• Malia Obama
• Sasha Obama
• Suri Cruise
• Ross “The Intern” Matthews
• Tavi

Note:  All guests listed above are more mature than I am, particularly grey-haired Tavi, so placement at the kids’ table can, and perhaps should, be negotiated.

The meal would be held in the Hamptons one summer evening, so Ina Garten could prepare the delectable feast.  As her husband, Jeffrey, is in every episode of “The Barefoot Contessa,” he would be given a seat at the dinner table as well (perhaps I should consider inviting Gael Greene to keep him company, but I would never want to do anything to make Ina jealous).

Basically, it would be awesome until Snooki had one too many shots of Belvedere and let Pauly D and Sammi Sweetheart into the fiesta as homage to that Lauren/pre-plastic Heidi debacle on “The Hills.”  At that point, all hell would break loose, someone would tip off Perez, and suddenly there would be an Us Weekly cover in the making.  This would permanently solidify me on the “Lowbrow” section of the “Approval Matrix,” but perhaps I could aspire to fall somewhere in the middle, straddling the line between “Despicable” and “Brilliant.”

Fantastic Finds: Christmas Presents For Everyone (That Won’t Break the Bank)

As bank accounts wane and the unopened boxes on the advent calendar lessen, finding the perfect gift for each and every loved one suddenly becomes a daunting task of retail-ian frustration.  

The other day while meandering through the preppy mecca of J. Crew, I came across these adorable candy-colored notebooks from Archie Grand.  

One stop and $10 later, you can find the perfect, little notebook for your friend who exclusively dates Williamsburg hipsters, your sister who just spent the last few pennies of her Trust fund on ShopBop.com, your bookworm cousin who reads Hegel and Kant with a side dish of Aristotle for kicks, and/or that best friend who would sell a kidney for an invite to the Goldman Sachs holiday party.  (OK, so once you've made your list and checked it twice, your total might come out to more than 10 bucks.)

Done in a Chuck Bass-ian, little, black (in this case, multi-colored) book fashion, each one is labeled with its specific contents (and one’s recommendations for future use) in mind.  Favorites include:

Academics I Met and Liked

Bankers I Met and Liked

Bosses I Met and Liked

Capitalists I Met and Liked

Designers I Met and Liked

Doctors I Met and Liked

Hipsters I Met and Liked

Husbands I Had and Liked

Lovers I Had and Liked

Politicians I Met and Liked

Santa Clauses I Met and Liked

Secret Agents I Met and Liked

Shopaholics I Met and Liked

Shrinks I Met and Liked

Wives I Had and Liked

Featured in this month’s issue of Women’s Health, these pocket-size notebooks boast 120 pages of high quality paper to soak up thoughts and ink alike.  

ELFul Tip:  For extra flare, wrap ‘em up with a little bit of tissue and some candy in a corresponding hue.

Available for $10 each at select J. Crew locations nationwide and JasperAndBlack.com.

Fantastic Finds: Brian Atwood Sample Sale

On a blustery Sunday afternoon, nothing hits the spot quite like a good brunch and an even better sample sale.  After a scrumptious meal of Poached Eggs ($12) with buttermilk biscuits, grilled ham, and hollandaise at Market Table, Donna and I made our way through the West Village and into Chelsea for the Brian Atwood Friends & Family Sample Sale.

As a Trend Contributor for Racked.com, Style Editor at PoshGlam.com, Digital Media Assistant to Shape’s Jacqui Stafford, Columbia University graduate student, and founder of DonnaDaily.com, Donna brings a whole new meaning to the concept of multi-tasking.  It’s a miracle that this Jenn-Falik-in-the-making manages to eat and sleep, let alone find any free time, but somehow she does and was able to score these amazing heels (in an even more wearable black hue) for 70% off:

Perfect with black tights and a gold metallic dress for New Year’s Eve or an oversize black blazer and sundress dress for the summer months, these shoes, despite the mesh and peep toe, can actually be worn all year round.  

Donna, a 5’6” glamazon, of course had no trouble fitting into the sample size Atwood shoes, usually reserved for models gracing the covers of Vogue and Harper’s.  I, a vertically challenged, 5’1” little runt, had a bit more trouble finding a steal in my size.  However, much to my eyes’ delight and my bank account’s dismay, I found a pair of the much coveted (this season!) Rosita Suede Boots (mine, also in black instead of the brown pictured below) for a fraction of the cost!  

As I watched my bank account take a dip, I told the cashier that I would like to wear the boots out of the store.  While Donna walked Captain Hook’s plank of the monetary demise, a chatty Brian Atwood employee said to me, “Honey, you better be taking your birth control, because with shoes that fierce, you are getting LAID.”

For more information on the top sample sales in Manhattan, check out the listings below or read through the complete list at DailyCandy.com:

What: Diane von Furstenberg
Why: Signature printed wrap dresses are $150 (reg. $325), embellished cardigans are $80 (reg. $495), and coats are $350 (reg. $625).
When: Dec. 7-10. Tues., 9 a.m.-6:30 p.m.; Wed., 10 a.m.-8 p.m.; Thurs., 10 a.m.-7 p.m.; Fri., 9 a.m.-5 p.m.
Where: 260 Fifth Ave., b/t 28th & 29th Sts.

What: Helmut Lang
Why: Women’s clothing and accessories are up to 70 percent off. Blazers are $199, leather pants are $199, skirts are $79, etc.
When: Dec. 10-12. Fri., 8 a.m.-8 p.m.; Sat. & Sun., 10 a.m.-6 p.m.
Where: 139 Fifth Ave., b/t 20th & 21st Sts., 2nd flr.

What: Lee Angel
Why: Deck the wrists (and necks, fingers, and lobes) of loved ones with gorgeous baubles. They’ll never know they were 30-75 percent off.
When: Dec. 8-10. Wed. & Thurs., 11 a.m.-7 p.m.; Fri., 10 a.m.-5 p.m.
Where: 524 Broadway, at Spring St., 6th flr.

What: Thread Social
Why: Flirty, fun, and deeply discounted (up to 80 percent off) frocks for your holiday needs. Plus, spring and summer clothing on the cheap.
When: Dec. 7 & 8. Tues. & Wed., 9 a.m.-8 p.m.
Where: 26 W. 17th St., b/t Fifth & Sixth Aves., ste. 301.

Fantastic Finds: Blue Ribbon Cookbook

Ears still ringing from the night before, M and I bared the cold for some brunch at Blue Ribbon Bakery.  An old favorite, I’ve been to this cozy café at closing after one too many drinks at Kingswood, the next morning for their to die for Blue Benedict (essentially Eggs Benedict with Serrano ham, Jarlsberg cheese, and tomato on toasted challah), and their wine bar across the street for delectable appetizers and perfectly concocted cocktails for a handful of first dates.  It’s the kind of place you can imagine cool, over-size sweater wearing writers frequenting during the week and preppy bankers or stylish PR girls dropping by on the weekends.

Not only is the food delicious, the staff could not be friendlier.  Whether pondering over a wine selection or ordering Profiteroles for breakfast (yes, a friend of mine did this once), they are always as nice as can be and do everything with a genuine, Buddy the Elf-size smile. 

Today before diving into my Warm Goat Cheese Salad ($16.25), I noticed that they now have a cookbook, which can be purchased at Blue Ribbon or online.

A perfect holiday gift for M (or one of my other food-loving friends), I may need to buy two—I’d hate to be without a copy myself!

Blue Ribbon Bakery & Café
http://www.blueribbonrestaurants.com/
http://twitter.com/#!/@blueribbonNYC

35 Downing St.

(212) 337-0404

Critic's Corner: Bagatelle

Never in my life have I seen so many cougars and salt and pepper finance guys trying to hide their affairs with their Euro trash counterparts whilst attempting to prove to society (and themselves) that they are still hip and happening enough to endure the eardrum-bursting-ly loud music, as I did at Bagatelle yesterday evening (or technically this morning due to our 11pm reservation).  If you’ve ever wondered what it would be like to have dinner in a club, look no further than this pretentious meatpacking eatery.  Yes, the desserts come with sparklers, as if you have just splurged on a $1,000 bottle of Moet at Kiss and Fly, there is a snobbish bouncer out front with a list of table reservations, and the Euro trash runs rampant enough for Bagatelle to function as a transatlantic dumpster.  I actually felt guilty that evening for not working out earlier in the day not as much because of the food, but due to the aforementioned eardrum-bursting-ly loud music that made every ounce of fat on my body actually vibrate.

When I heard Bagatelle, perhaps it’s the French in me, but I heard Baguettes.  (I later Googled the meaning of the word “bagatelle,” which ironically is a “short piece of music, typically for the piano, and usually of a light, mellow character.”  Such lies.)  To my disappointment, there was hummus and burned pieces of bread instead, which I happily ate anyway (again, it was an 11pm reservation).  Despite that though (and of course the decibel), the rest of our meal was actually delicious.  Granted, I had difficulty reading the menu, because of the epileptic seizure-inducing strobe lights, so I just ordered every truffled morsel on the menu (really, how bad could anything be with truffles?).  To start, M and I shared the Gnocchi À La Parisienne ($16).  This homemade gnocchi with black truffle pesto filling and truffle butter sauce melted in my mouth and was actually some of the best gnocchi I’ve ever had.  For our entrées, we split the Homard Rôti Du Maine Et Macaroni ($30), Poulet Fermier Rôti Et Truffé  ($28), a side of Truffled Creamed Spinach ($8), and a whole lot of champagne.  The roasted Maine lobster was served with candele pasta gratin, while the chicken was complemented by delectable country style potatoes, which soaked up just the right amount of truffle oil throughout the meal.

You have two options upon arriving at Bagatelle:  You can either embrace the fact that you will not be able to hear your dining partner and as Lady Gaga says, “Just Dance” or you can hate on it while texting each other from across the table.  To be honest, M and I did a little of both.

Call me the oldest 23-year-old on the planet, but unless it’s your bachelorette fête and you are planning on partying like it’s 2012, I’d recommend rounding the corner and heading to Nero d’Avola (46 Gansevoort Street), where you can actually eat and have a conversation instead. 

Bagatelle
http://www.bistrotbagatelle.com/
http://twitter.com/#!/bagatellenyc

409 W 13th St | Btwn Washington & Greenwich St.

(212) 675-2400